June 19th, 2006
|09:25 pm - Yeah, its been three months...|
I am a slacker, I can fully admit that. I don't know if its been slacking so much as preoccupation, but we'll go with the former so it doesn't seem like I just don't know how to handle my time. My roomate, april, is off on a cruise. I hope she's finding something to enjoy about it, even though they were unable to get her boyfriend with. I just got back from a run out to california, again, to pick up my sister and pay homage to the five foot freaking rat and a chocolate banana. I really ought to head into bed sooner rather than later, so that I can be prepared to go back to work in the morning. yippy. I think the only thing thats keeping me from running away and opening a taco shop in hawaii is my insurence. Without it, I'd be hard-pressed right now. That, and I'll be getting a dollar raise in a week. Just when you think you can go, they suck you back in. Yay civil service and working for "the man"
Current Mood: indescribable
March 8th, 2006
|09:17 pm - Cheese Quesadillas.. it's just fun to say.|
Quick update. My mom has her neck surgery on Friday. In a month they'll start treatment on her rheumotoid arthritis. I'm going to go through the paperwork the dr gave her, then give her my two cents on what I think she should take. She asked my Dad for his opinion, but in his selfish way, said it didn't matter, she needed to take something.
I don't know why he can't understand that this is not about him. My Mom needs more support now, then any other time in her life, and he won't step up. He never has, quite possibly never will. But it makes me sad for her. I know what it's like to feel alone, I spend most of my life that way, but to be alone with a body next to you. To think "I have a husband, I have support" and to realize that really, all your support does is berate you and make you feel like shit. I'm sure that's worse.
More afraid than being alone, I fear I'll end up like her. Completely miserable and compliant.
March 6th, 2006
|07:24 am - I am amused|
|You Are The High Priestess|
You represent mystery - secrets that are yet to be revealed.
You find yourself sitting between two worlds: one dark, one light.
You tend to hold these two worlds in balance, reconciling the two.
Open and welcoming, you invite others to learn your secrets.
Something hidden, or latent, in your life is about to come forward.
You need to pay more attention to your dreams, thoughts, intuition, and imagination.
And if that involves tapping into your dark side, it will all balance out in the end.
You have a lot of potential dying to be unleashed, so let those gates open!
Current Mood: amused
March 1st, 2006
For some inexplicable reason, I feel like I’m drowning again. I could blame it on hormones, or just plain unhappiness with my current state of being. Maybe it’s just the fact it’s overcast with no rain in sight. I don’t know. What I do know is this: I’m frustrated and irritated that I can’t seem to be who I am and not be alone. It’s not that I can’t stand to be with myself. I’m generally ok being alone. I eat lunch alone, I entertain myself alone, hell, I even have sex alone. Sometimes, though, it gets a little old. I don’t know how many single sites and church functions and bars I have to go to before people stop saying that I’m just not looking in the right place. I work with the public for heaven’ s sake. For all of my adult life I have waited and helped and communicated with millions of people. It’s all I’ve ever done. I have more exposure than most to a wide variety of people. But I’m not looking in the “right place” or am not “trying hard enough.” My faith is quickly losing ground to logic. If I were a rat in a science project, I would have long ago been electrocuted for continually pushing on the lever hoping for a treat. I need to stop hoping. And yet, I just can’t seem to make myself stop the cycle of hope and pain. I hate that. It’s the only thing I truly loath about myself. Other than that, I think I’m not to bad, even if evidence indicates otherwise. I don’t think I look too repulsive, and might even have some pretty qualities. It’s just hard for other people to see for some reason. Except for these bouts of depression and hopelessness, I’m a pretty easy person to get along with. I’m intelligent, mildly amusing and sometimes funny. I have a huge capacity to love, although I think my compassion has been waning lately. I believe I have a fairly decent aptitude in bed, at least I like to believe that of myself, even if it hasn’t been tested yet. I obviously need work on patience, but I’m 29 years old. The patience is thinning. I really am not looking for anyone’s pity, that is definitely the last thing that I need, and I realize it’s something very, very few people can relate to, so I don’t expect understanding. I guess I just need to plead for patience with me while I’m trying to give up old dreams and move on. I just believed in those dreams so deeply, they are so entangled with my soul, I can’t change them or weed them out without changing me. And I don’t want to do that. Remember… I like who I am, but I’m gasping for breath trying to hold onto… old ideals I guess.
Current Mood: discontent
February 15th, 2006
|01:56 pm - So much to write about, not enough words.|
I know it's been forever and a day, and much has happened, but I'm starting to suspect I'm terrible on the whole online journaling thing. I've kept a paper one for 20 years, although that one hasn't been updated recently either. I am suppose to be taking me sister to Disneyland next week for her senior trip. Not as great as I'd like to give her, but money and time constraints seem to dictate the magic kingdom. If that gives you an idea of what the other options were going to be, Disneyland being not cheap. I'm having fits with getting my tax refund...completely unhappy with hr block, which is unfortunate, because up to now I've rather liked them.
I'm trying to be very zen and adopt a "what will be will be" attitude about life, my love life in particular. But it's a lot harder than it seems it should be. I like being in control, sad but true. And somebody falling in love with me is out of my control. Even if I'm in love with them. I have to accept none of the decision is mine. Although I don't understand it completely, I don't know why I'm percieved as incapable of making a rational, unbiased, adult opinion about oh... lets say sex for instance, and not second guessed. Why other people take it upon themselves to decide for me whether or not I'm ready for anything. I can only push things so far though. Or nudge things so far. I'm not a great pusher. If I was, I most likely wouldn't be where I am at, but I roll over and take it. Cower in my hole. When I put it that way I get all angry with myself. Me and anger are a fairly volatile mix. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, duck.
Current Mood: aggravated
January 4th, 2006
|10:19 pm - I am amused|
Picked this up from a friend's journal.
I too am a freak.
October 14th, 2005
|12:32 pm - I know...it's been a while, a long while.|
I know, it's been an insanely long amount of time since I've posted anything. So much has happened, I'm not sure where to even begin. Do I start with how much weight I've lost thus far? (110 lbs) Do I begin with the fact I came out to my parents. ( I told them I'm bisexual) Do I start with the fact that my sexuality doesn't even matter? (It doesn't really change anything) I've had my first kiss, insanely odd to be this old and finally have one. Some might even argue how I could possibly know what my sexuality is since I've had such limited experience. *shrug* I don't know. I constantly seem to be throwing myself into upheavel. ( is that even a word?) My spirituality, my emotional stability, as always, resides firmly in chaos. I feel like Dorothy in the center of the twister, with an occasional chair hitting me in my head. I know nothing in life is certain, and it's impossible to predict outcomes, especially with a personalized chao theory attatched to your hip, but I hate not knowing.
I have know patience.
I hate not knowing.
Current Mood: pessimistic
September 18th, 2005
July 31st, 2005
|08:48 pm - Decisions, decisions|
I am a sap. I try not to be, but I always seem to give in to whatever my family wants or needs from me. The problem is, I can feel my resentment growing and my anger boiling. My sappiness is going to turn to amber and I'm gonna become a mean and nasty person. *sigh*
On a cheerier note, I'm down almost 100 pounds. *happy dance* Aside from my hair's inability to stay safely rooted to my head, I'm pretty healthy. Mostly. My doctor seems to think I need a date with a pelvic ultrasound. And while I'm quite certain a little bit of action in that department is highly needed, this is not what I had in mind. Donating my virginity to the medical world wasn't a priority. I had hoped for something slightly more romantic. Maybe the gynecologist will light a candle if I ask.
In a not-so-related, yet strangely so, side note, I was massively hit on by a woman at work the other day. She came in to help her mom get a business licence, and she laid it on thick. It amuses me, and I'm nearly always flattered, but since my ratio of women to men hitting on me is about ten to one at this point, it makes me wonder. I always figured I was straight, with a twist. Is there something other people are seeing that I'm not? Do men instinctively know to walk a wide circle around me? Or is it me...I don't let them hit on me? That's a depressing and potentially destructive thought. I was joking with a friend the other day, well sort of joking anyway, that all of mankind is born with the inate knowledge that to bed me would bring upon the end of days. So in the interest of self-preservation, I am avoided, like wild animals avoiding a lion infested watering hole.
I think to much though.
Some who read this will want to slap me, and others will think it a boring case of self-loathing. Which it isn't. It's just something that is, and it's an is I'm not understanding.
I need the universe to speak slowy and enunciate this time.
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Holes to Heaven -- Jack Johnson
July 20th, 2005
|11:41 pm - updates and general stuff|
Well, Amy and I seem to be on much better terms. It would crush me to pop rocks if things every truly ended between us. Violent pop rocks. I wish I wasn't so inhibited sometimes. I wonder if things would be easier or just harder. Guess I should just learn how to deal. Yay dealing. I'm such a web of contradictions ... I confuse myself most times. And the poor people around me, oyvey. They deal with me. poor them. Work is going ok. My health is iffy, but I went to the Dr. and had some bloodwork done. Grand total on the weight loss, 90 pounds! I am excited about that. Now if I can just get everything else to work out as well.